TEARS, TOOLS and TREASURE by David Murray
A guest interview with another bereaved parent, sharing their own experience of child loss.
Thank you to David for being a guest on this collaboration.
Three times a week there will be a new post from a bereaved parent, responding to the same three questions. My hope is that, in reflecting on their own journey, describing what has been the toughest part of losing their precious child, as well as the things that have supported them in their profound grief, their words will help other parents who also know this loss. And finally, I hope that the stories of unexpected gifts that have come, even amidst the pain, will reflect the potential for joy returning into the darkest places as we travel this path, together.
It’s my great honour to introduce David’s son, Ewan.
At the end of 2014, my son Ewan had just turned fifteen. He was like most boys of his age with a taste for video games and graphic novels. Ewan had developed a great sense of humour that amused us all. He was loveable and was loved.
TEARS…what has been the saddest, hardest and/or worst part of losing your child?
Ewan died of a very rare autoimmune reaction to a common chest infection that caused a rapid encephalitis. All this happened over a ten-day period. He was very much with us, and then he was gone. The shock of his demise and the nature of the emergency medical interventions are incredibly hard to absorb, even after 11 years.
Ewan was our youngest child. He and his sister were very close, and though they had the normal sibling rivalry, I think migrating from the UK to Australia at a young age had created a very tight family unit. We missed the four of us being together. I miss hanging out with him, be it in a café in Brisbane or on trips to the USA. Ewan was very easy company to be in.
The saddest part for me has been the yearning for him in the present and the loss of his and the family’s potential future. I have seen the deep effect it has all had on my wife and daughter, which can make you very sad at times.
TOOLS…what have you found most helpful in navigating your tragedy?
One of the most basic and easily accessible tools I have found the most useful is exercise. This has included running, boxing, and circuit training. Grief does not only manifest itself emotionally; it spills out physically. In the acute stages of my grief, I would feel desperately sad. My internal monologue was not helping me. These voices were an expression of a deep emotional wound. I used to manage to put my runners on and leave the house. I would run in the forest until the voices quietened and I could go home. I was never in a great mood when I returned, but I felt a little further from the abyss.
Another method was to do something slightly “mad” or outside of my comfort zone. This invariably took the form of useful distractions, such as having a boxing match or attempting stand-up comedy. All activities had a certain level of risk, which required my full attention for both preparation and the event.
TREASURE…what have you, maybe unexpectedly, discovered that has brought you joy as you’ve walked this path?
There has been no joy if I am framing what has occurred in the aftermath of my son’s death. That is not to say I do not enjoy things with my family and friends. Initially, Ewan’s demise cast a shadow over everything, which is to be expected.
I am grateful for certain events and people. My relationship with my wife and daughter is warm and loving still. A sudden loss can split families, which only compounds the tragedy of the death. This has not occurred with us, and I do not take this for granted.
There is a concept of post-traumatic growth, which I have written about on my Substack. When I was presented with this concept, it did thoroughly annoy me. After any traumatic event, there is often an excessive amount of negative consequences to deal with. Whether we like it or not, there are positives. They are few and far between, but there are still some positives.
I think I have been disappointed by certain people’s reactions to my son’s death but been left in awe by how kind people have been. The latter is one I have learnt to focus on. I have too much sadness to carry through my life without focusing on the negative behaviour of others. I would not have been able to shift my focus on to the kindness of people before my son died. That said, I wish Ewan were alive, and I did not have this ability to filter out the bad; I would still get easily annoyed by selfish people.
In essence, because of the post-traumatic growth in my life, I have found I can see human nature more for what it actually is as opposed to what I want it to be. Through this, it is easier to welcome the good and ignore the bad and accept I have no choice in any of this.
Find David on Substack on Beyond the Expected
Thanks so much for taking time to read this post in the collaboration Tears, Tools and Treasure. I’m delighted that so many parents will be taking part in this, choosing to generously share their own personal journeys.
If you are a bereaved parent and would like to join them, please DM me.
And if you would like to subscribe to see more posts from bereaved parents, the button is below.
You’ll find my own free posts at Losing My Son to Suicide, Hope, Healing and Joy . I always appreciate new subscribers and my work being shared, thanks.
Esther x
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